Cut Out
by Kare Uta
Summary: It can't be helped; sometimes our thoughts run away with us and we realize... Berthie/Carnelian. Oneshot.


**Cut Out**

It was just one of those nights, Berthie thought. One of those nights you just wished to spend relaxing and, preferably, in good company. But Berthie would have gladly settled for just a good night's sleep.

Thanks to his 'good company' even that had been taken away from him. He felt a lot of shifting beneath the sheets numerous times during the night. It was only the rather distinct clicking sound of the inn door closing that woke him up. Carnelian was no longer in the bed, curled up clinging to every blanket he could get his hands on. It wasn't entirely a cause for concern; he knew Carnelian wouldn't run away from him but then he was also a little curious...

Outside, he found the castrati sitting in front of a tree, his fingers firmly holding onto and sinking into the thick bark as he heaved and made retching sounds. Berthie reached over, his fist wrapping around the long hair to hold it out of his face. Ungratefully, Carnelian reached back, whining, and began gripping at his hands to remove them. Berthie circled the tree, stopping beside him once more to watch as he continued to heave dryly. Carnelian's eyes fluttered closed and he began to drift forward. Without much thought to what he was doing, Berthie grabbed the back of his clothes before he could fall face first into his most recent meal.

Berthie growled and grumbled with the unconscious man all the way up the stairs, throwing him back onto the bed in a less than gracious manner. Carnelian's only response was to whimper and, except for his body's trembling, remain still. One after the other Berthie began to drape the blankets over the man, looking over him for any other signs that something could be wrong with him.

"Hey." He shoved him lightly, sitting on the edge of the bed beside him. Not seeing a reaction at all, he shoved him again; this time a little harder. "Hey!"

He couldn't understand how the man was often such a light sleeper and now he was so out of it! This was surely the same restless man who was tugging on the sheets just a few hours ago!

Putting a hand to the man's forehead and touching his own at the same time he took a guess in saying that they were about the same temperature. He only guessed though... He was a little sweaty, and a little cold too so maybe something really was wrong. It was strange. Shortly, the man's limbs were once again tangled through each of the sheets.

Berthie huffed, called it quits and crawled back under the covers on his side of the bed. If Carnelian wasn't going to get up and tell him what was wrong by himself then he wasn't going to rack his brain trying to figure it out. After burrowing himself under some sheets, heaving a sigh, he closed his eyes and began to drift off again.

Then he heard the heaving again, and the sudden thud of the man landing on the floor. The light that met his eyes suddenly was one that reminded him that it had been some time since he had last been awake. He tried not to dwell on how much his mind had been on the other man for this to have happened.

He sat on the bed, watching the man continue to heave for a little longer before dropping himself to the ground. It was the same cycle for quite a few minutes.

He settled the man back into bed, tucking him in tightly to hopefully avoid him rolling out again so suddenly. From then he decided that something was really wrong with him. Of course it took a lot of convincing to get a doctor to an inn at five in the morning but as Berthie overlooked the examination and saw the constant deep frown he knew for certain that something was wrong. Carnelian was swaying between consciousness and unconsciousness every now and then, his eyes fluttering open, a whine escaping his lips before they would close again. Every touch of the doctor's fingers seemed to elicit a groan of pain and fear.

"So? What is it?" Was Berthie expected to pay the man to just frown and shake his head for a whole hour?

"Could be a bug, or an acute stress reaction."

"Two _entirely_ different things! Which is it?" Frankly, Berthie never did have the patience for these people. Why did they claim to know it all if they were going to give such vague and interpretive answers? Were they psychic now? 'I see something green!' and after all is said and done they're like 'oh! It was a tree!' His hands balled into fists as the doctor seemed to turn the sheets up over Carnelian without actually having done anything to help, "And?"

"I see a bug as a bit unlikely."

"It's stress then?"

"Possibly."

"You're not very helpful, are you?"

"Come with me." The doctor sighed, seeming to resist rolling his eyes at him.

Berthie, although regrettably leaving Carnelian at the inn again, followed the man back to his home and practice. He watched the man go through different jars on his shelf before pouring a few pills into a small vile. "Give him one if he remains the same for a long time. Consider this insurance."

"You mean 'in case shit happens'." Berthie passed the money that he owed him and he left. The walk back to the inn was incredibly frustrating. Stress? Really? What did the man have to be so stressed about? Hadn't he been taking care of him enough?

He stopped on the way to the inn. Opening the bag he kept their funds in he noticed that it was looking rather skimpy now that he'd paid the doctor and through the unnamed feeling he had during the whole ordeal he hadn't given much thought to it sooner. Their time in the inn just got a lot shorter.

When he returned he undressed promptly and got under the sheets. Their financial worries would have to be for when he finally woke up and could be bothered to deal with them. For now, Carnelian seemed to be sleeping comfortably. "Worrying me for nothing..." Berthie growled beneath his breath, rolling over.

Upon waking up in the morning he noticed the other man beside him was staring at the ceiling with something akin to terror. "Hey." Berthie shoved him, rather lightly compared to usual. "Go and take a shower. We need to leave."

Carnelian pulled himself up into a seated position but that was all he did. Berthie groaned, tired of having to babysit already, and pushed the man out of bed with his foot. "Get up now or I'm leaving without you."

When Berthie went to the bathroom, undressed by the time he was half way there, he found Carnelian crouched down under the constant stream of hot water. "What the hell are you doing lately?" He pulled him out of the tub and threw a towel over his head. He rinsed himself off as he watched Carnelian fumble with the towel. Berthie thought he was watching a young child do everything in slow motion.

"Where are we going?" Carnelian asked. His voice was unbelievably weak and he sounded almost as childish as he appeared.

Berthie though had no time to dwell on that. "We're leaving."

"Why?"

"Because we can't afford to stay here much longer."

"But where will we go?"

"Back to the trees, where else?" Why did he feel like he was talking to a pathetic child all of a sudden? It wasn't like him to be so...weak. He continued to shove blankets into the bag Carnelian usually carried, fitting as much as possible into it. Until Berthie could think of a more interesting place to go they were better off staying in one place rather than wasting resources moving around.

Carnelian stood by Berthie's side. Eventually, Berthie just picked up the glass of water on the nightstand and handed it to him. "Open your mouth." Carnelian stared at him with surprise but did so; Berthie popped the pill in his mouth and pushed the glass up to encourage him to swallow it.

Seeing that he could fit nothing else into it, Berthie went and threw Carnelian's bag out the window before he headed towards the door, "Give me ten minutes, and then come downstairs with my bag, alright?" He wasn't sure how much he could trust the man to even remember anything he'd just said but he had to have faith. He had to. Otherwise they weren't going to make it very far without him killing him.

He was a little surprised that he'd come down just when he'd asked him to. From then they started walking for what felt like eternity. Whenever he looked back Carnelian's pace was slowing that much more. Berthie finally dropped his things to the ground and stalked up to Carnelian, taking him by surprise as he shoved him hard into the tree. "What the hell is wrong with you? What's going on?"

Drops of rain fell down through the trees, sparkling pearls touching the hand that held him firmly by the neck. Carnelian's eyes clenched tightly shut and his cheeks began to soak.

Berthie was shocked. Carnelian was weak, yes, but he wasn't going to just block him out like this. He watched the lips that were just inches away move, saying something that was, without a doubt, something important. The way the rain began to pummel down on them kept them from being understood though. Berthie released Carnelian's neck and let him drop to the ground, watching with surprise as the form crumpled in on itself.

"It was dark!" Carnelian shouted at him, furious as well as hurt.

Berthie dropped himself on the ground opposite him, staring at the angered man with disbelief. Now he was certain that something was strange.

Carnelian punched him hard before pressing his tearful face into his aching hand. "Stupid..." He sobbed a little harder but it was obvious he was forcing himself to stop with each deep inhale of breath.

"It wasn't just me, right?" Berthie asked softly first, not sure if he was asking the right question to begin with. Gaining more confidence he grabbed the other's hair, jerking his head up to force him to look at him, "Who was it?"

Carnelian averted his gaze again and Berthie finally let go. As they were sitting there in the rain beneath the shaded trees the entire area began to get darker with the clouds taking away the bit of sun that had lit their path. Climbing the trees as deftly as he could, using every ounce of strength in him, he began to put together the tent before putting up the hammock beneath it, high enough off the ground to avoid animals and accumulating puddles.

It took a little convincing to get Carnelian up off the dirty floor and up into the hammock, and even once he did Carnelian just sat as far too one end as possible, still all curled up. Seeing his hands shaking and his eyes still with tears Berthie passed him another one of those pills the doctor had given him. If they kept going like this then they were going to run out of them in no time.

"It was how they put you to sleep." Carnelian whispered. Berthie, who was sitting opposite him tugging the blankets out of the bags, lifted his gaze to watch the other as he began to speak. "They'd give you something small so that maybe it won't hurt and then they would strangle you until you were unconscious."

So that was what he meant, Berthie realized. "Did it still hurt?"

"Of course, you idiot! If I hit you with a hammer in your sleep do you think you wouldn't feel it?"

"I'm going to let that one pass because you're upset." Berthie grumbled lowly.

Carnelian gripped the material of his shirt tightly in between his fingers. "This weather always reminds me of that time."

"Was it a day like today?"

"Yeah." Carnelian vaguely nodded. "Just like today."

Berthie laid out the sheets thickly, leaving a few for them to cover themselves with. He took the man by the arm and pulled him to the centre of the hammock, "What can I do then?" He laid him down on his back, working hard to balance themselves as he tried to bring himself down on top of him. He pulled off his jacket as it restricted his movement but Carnelian immediately clung to it desperately, refusing to let it go as he held it to his face. He sniffled loudly, pressing his face deeper into the warmth. "Don't be such a crybaby." He trailed his fingers up his stomach, pressing his cold hand into his warm skin.

Carnelian grabbed onto his hands, clutching the jacket to his body with his arm, "Don't..."

"Why not? I'll be gentle, I promise." As his hand came back down to the other's pants he was immediately met with more resistance.

"Scars hurt, Berthie." Carnelian tried hard to get through to him, his voice cracking as he was beginning to be taken over by his feelings again.

"Then I'll do something so that it won't hurt."

"Sleep and a hammer, Berthie." Carnelian reminded him, hands visibly shaking.

"I know what I'm doing." Taking apart the man's belt he pressed his hand down past his clothes, touching the warm and sensitive flesh with the tips of his cool fingers. "Just don't fuss."

"Don't do it."

Berthie leaned down and kissed the man's lips, silencing his insistent whines and pleads for him to stop. Slowly he used his other hand to pull the jacket out of his grasp. Carnelian immediately jumped, the addictive scent which had temporarily calmed him being snatched out from between his fingers. "You can touch me instead." Berthie whispered, taking one of the man's hands and tucking it under his shirt. "Why do you need that when I'm here?"

"It smells good."

"Don't I too?"

Carnelian's fingers tried to mimic the other's light movements, though emulating them simply on the tense muscles of his stomach. "I want to...to forget. Why can't I forget?"

"You're always holding onto something, aren't you?" Berthie couldn't resist snapping a little. When he pulled back a bit to stare down into Carnelian's hurt and alarmed eyes he couldn't stop himself from being as brutally honest as always. "If you're not worrying about one thing then you're worrying about another. If it's not the Rhodonite's then it's Lucille, if it's not either of them then it's things between us. Or, worst of all, all of the above at once!"

Carnelian scrunched his eyes shut again and this time grabbed the jacket to throw it over his burning face. Of course Berthie knew that he had struck a chord with Carnelian. He was cruel but he wasn't blind to it. He vaguely heard something being mumbled from underneath the jacket but he left it alone until Carnelian took it down himself. "Make it stop." Carnelian's eyes were averted to somewhere else in the darkness; all Berthie could see were beautiful sparkles that brightened up the beautiful crimson eyes.

"Hm?" It wasn't that he hadn't heard him; just that it seemed more appropriate to Berthie to have the man ask with a bit more assertiveness.

Carnelian's arms crossed over his face, hiding his entire expression from him. "I don't want to see those things anymore."

Berthie leaned over him, grinning as he whispered in his ear, "Remember; you can't squirm as much, or you'll drop us and break our necks."

Carnelian visibly bit his lip, his body shaking, "Would this be a bad time to say I'm afraid of heights?"

"Not at all." Berthie lay himself down beside the other, turning them on their sides which allowed him to put his hands back to the man's length while embracing him. Carnelian pressed his face into the jacket, trying to cover up his small mewls. "You don't need to look so unhappy." Berthie licked his ear lightly, causing a small gasp. "Am I really forcing it?"

"Of course." Carnelian pressed his face deeper into the jacket; it had long lost its warmth but surely still had a scent to try to keep him calm.

"But I'm trying so hard. Look." Carnelian utterly refused to see Berthie's hands touching him so intimately. Even if Berthie was trying to avoid the scars it seemed he was still causing him frustration. "But I'm glad. It's getting hard like it should."

Carnelian nudged him in the ribs, his eyes wide open and blazing now, "Can we do this without the commentary?" His voice was filled with cracks as he lashed out.

Berthie simply chuckled but remained silent as it was asked. He bit down into the man's neck, soothing the small wound he'd created with a flick of his tongue. He watched those expressions that were made closely, smiling, "So attractive..." His hot breath tickled the man's flushed skin, a sudden shudder passing over him. He turned them both over again, careful, and widened the man's legs as much as possible in the constrained space.

Carnelian hadn't even had a second to hold his breath when Berthie pushed inside of him. Carnelian let the jacket slip from his fingers and Berthie saw his hands open with the realization of the loss and close again into tight fists to contain his feelings. Berthie lowered himself to reach the man's neck but Carnelian immediately tried to cover it. "I won't bite this time, I promise." He chuckled and kissed the small portion of bare neck, keeping his word.

"I..." Carnelian's hands flexed open again, reaching for the sides of the hammock to brace himself at each thrust that pounded into him.

Berthie paused, the head of his length brushing against that spot inside of him, and grabbed Carnelian's hands to put them on his back and shoulder. "Here." He felt the hands hesitating before the fingers finally held him tightly, one of the hands slid down his back and before he knew it their chests were touching from the tight embrace that the castrati had suddenly insisted on.

The contractions and sounds that the man was making was enough to finish him off. It was more brief than he had wanted it to be, but Berthie chose not to say anything on this particular occasion as he felt the man beneath him shivering from the strong sensations.

"Are you ever going to let go?" Berthie asked, beginning to doze off after some time.

"Maybe..." He continued to embrace the man, his hot breath ghosting against his shoulder.

Berthie pulled out and slowly he felt the man beneath him giving him the freedom to pull back completely. They redressed or adjusted their clothing clumsily in the small space before Berthie dropped himself to lay back down beside the other. As the man caressed his hair he saw more dampness in his eyes. "What's wrong now?"

Carnelian shrugged. "What are you thinking about?"

"About how I'm going to kill you for thinking like that again." Carnelian hid his expression, inhaling deeply as he was obviously prepared for another one of Berthie's verbal beatings, or perhaps even a physical one. Berthie laid his head down on the other's, "Go to sleep, and think better things, or I'll knock you out myself."

"I'm not tired."

"You've obviously not done as much work as I have in the past few hours."

Carnelian tried to roll himself over, nestling himself in the other's chest, "I'm so sorry."

"Idiot, what the hell are you sorry for?"

"Everything is my fault."

"How?" Berthie asked, waiting to see what sort of conclusion the man could possibly come up with.

"If...I wasn't thinking this way then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick, you wouldn't have needed to get a doctor and we could be somewhere warm right now, like the inn."

"Well," Berthie scoffed, "when you put it like that it really is all your fault, isn't it?" He looked down at him with some ridicule in his eyes, a hint of 'I told you so', "Maybe next time you'll think twice before doing something as stupid as that."

"Is it really stupid?" Carnelian didn't dare look up this time. "Is it really that unreasonable?"

"If you don't think so by now, then I don't know what I could possibly do to change your mind."

"Sometimes I think that there was so much more that the Rhodonite's cut out of you." He knew that the simple statement had cut deeper than anything else that Carnelian had been thinking. Perhaps something you know about can still hurt a lot more than something you could imagine all by yourself. It was impossible to take back things that were already said. Even if it was, he didn't think he would take them back. He needed to hear exactly what he had just told him.

Maybe someday he would learn...

He was not able to hush the man as he cried, or tell him words of comfort. Somewhat, his fingers did move along his back in a small attempt but he resisted doing so whenever he caught himself doing it.

Maybe someday he would learn that he should not doubt someone's feelings...

As Berthie stared down at the man in his light embrace, unable to do anything that could potentially keep his lesson from being taught, he began to feel a sense of pity he had never ever felt before.

Maybe someday the man would learn that one can sometimes recover the traits that had been cut out of them...

**A/N: After a few days of having written this it had remained sitting on my desktop because I didn't feel very happy with it. Finally, I touched it up and I'm a little proud of it! I think I was able to tackle a side of Berthie that I couldn't have on any other occasion and I had a good time trying to write it!**

**If you've read this far, please leave a review and let me know what you think of it! Thanks for reading! **


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